Smoking......... a slow death i wish for.

Smoking......... a slow death i wish for.

I started it when I was past 18. Not because I was curious, nor I found it stylish, not even because of my friends. All my life, I found myself as an outsider among the peers. Some said I was too proud, some said I acted over smart. Some even said I have superiority complex in me. Smoking I said it as a pass time. I still remember my Second Year of BA, my midterm exams were in progress. It was political science paper, I entered the exam hall with all my enthusiasm, started writing my paper, while answering it I remember all of sudden I went blank, totally thoughtless confused, with nothing on my mind. In this situation all I could do I look around. As a rule, you cannot leave the exam hall unless you are there for at least 45 minutes. So I spent that time and I walked out. Outside the college 9 am in the morning with no one out there, I was all alone. I still couldn’t believe what just happened up there. Still wondering why it happened. Somehow I walked towards pan shop where they sell cigarettes. I bought my 1st cigarette, couldn’t smoke it like a pro, but I tried. I finished one got another kept smoking like a fool.

Don’t know what had happened to me, like a living dead I was out there smoking cigarettes. Very few people who know me close then objected, and some who just knew as a guy from college kept wondering what happened to me. This is how it began……the addiction to smoke a cigarette.As the college years went by, smoking took over me like anything. I had become lonely; life was just not a thing I hoped it to be. Smoking was the thing which got me moving. It was the only thing which I could do in my spare time, only thing to do if I am waiting, walking, frustrated, angry, sad, and sleepless. I spent 2 years in depression. Smoking took over me like a disease. Resistance was not an option to get rid of it. Giving it up was not an easy choice. Every time I tried it brought me more difficult times. Life has never been rainbows and sunshine for me, smoking was something which gave me a different state of mind. When I started up with my career as a technical support analyst, the work pressure was only relieved once I had a smoke in my breaks. Smoke once out of my home, smoke before entering it.
I heard that hindi song ‘main zindagi ka saath nibha ta chala gaya, har fikr ko dhue main udata chala gaya’. Somehow it made sense to me after going through what I have been in all these years. People say it’s a bad habit, it’s an addiction, and you lose 5 minutes of your life per cigarette. I agree to all of it, but again why would one be afraid if what life offered then and now is nothing better than a slow death. I accepted this slow death, as to there was no goal, no reason or no ambition within me that would urge me to give up smoking and embrace life. All the people whom I loved and who loved me have been on my back to give it up. But I don’t care about what they say because their reality is different than mine. I know you may think everyone have problems, there is always a choice and nothing stays forever. But till then what do I do. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs to get high and stay away from the reality. I take on each day at one time with all my might and strength. Since the college days, I have managed to cut down the number of cigarettes from 25 to 12 and also managed to quit it for a while. But thirst always takes over, no matter how hard you try to control. It’s not that the mind is weak, but the circumstances that you go through every day are not the same. Some even take you to the very edge of giving up, but then again, there is some positivity in the mind that stops you from ending your life. My positivity somehow has driven me towards smoking. I know I can give up smoking any day I want, but then what I have in my life to take its place. That’s the question I am stuck with. What do I do? Life is not easy, smoking is……….. a slow death I wish for.

Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette Written by Merle Travis and Tex Williams
Now I'm a feller with a heart of gold

And the ways of a gentleman I've been told

The kind of guy that wouldn't even harm a flea
But if me and a certain character met

The guy that invented the cigarette

I'd murder that son-of-a-gun in the first degree
It ain't cuz I don't smoke myself

And I don't reckon that it'll harm your health

Smoked all my life and I ain't dead yet
But nicotine slaves are all the same

At a pettin' party or a poker game

Everything gotta stop while they have a cigarette
Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette

Puff, puff, puff and if you smoke yourself to death

Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate

That you hate to make him wait

But you just gotta have another cigarette
Note: Life has yet to bring many things to me, am waiting for them to happen, this was just another thing my mind thought. I strictly don't like anyone of the readers to try smoking if they are not into it. never ever think of trying it for any reason. It quicksand that drowns you slowely, I am in it don't need any company with me. Thanks.
Regards

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Jidnesh J.